~Obsessing sleepless nights~

Á há, gửi các bạn có nhã ý do tò mò qua đây ghé thăm LJ mình để chim lợn, để cười với nhau 1 cách sung sướng như kiểu thủ dâm tập thể :O

Rằng các bạn là những con đĩ, con phò, những bãi cứt được ủ trong một cái bô bằng bằng sứ mà các bạn tự vẽ =))

Ờ ai đọc được mà thấy đúng là mình thì cứ việc tự tiếp tục sung sướng như đang bị hiếp dâm đi :-s

Những từ ngữ mang tính tình dục học trên kia là mình chỉ có dành cho các bạn thôi đó :-s

Being self-aware of what you are doing, knowing whether it's right or wrong, that's the best thing in life.

But painfully I am losing my way. It is when your dream is too big and all the steps you have been taking to it, (1) are leading to another stupid way or (2) the road you have traveled is too fucking short, your speed is fucking low.

Moral and Chicken soup for souls stories keep hypnotizing you, "Never give up, never give up, follow your path till the end". I am sorry but this is the most fucking rubbish thing I have ever heard.

You have to learn to give up.

There are things that deserve being given up. You have to give up right away, do not hesitate a fucking bit.

At the moment I am wondering I should give up or not, damn. Did I have a wrong choice? I can spend some more time to realize and get the answer. But my time left here is not much, my youth is passing by and I do not want to waste any more fucking minute and any more fucking cash.

"Discernment"

In order to understand what is really going on around me, I must first make sure my mind is free from negativity. With a clear mind, I can get to the heart of an issue and understand the motives driving others.

When one of my friends gave us some pieces of "advisory" paper, which means the paper that had a saying on it, we randomly chose one for each and I took the piece "Discernment", as you can see above.

Yes, it's true. I need to set my mind free from negativity. Sometimes the dogmatic stories or advice such as "seeds of spirit" can be shit, but we can not deny the fact that some of them have true values. I have my own dignity, I can use it to make me stand out from the crowd. I can overcome difficulties, I can remove obstacles from my way. All I need is discernment.

However, returning to the real life, when I stand naked in front of the mirror and look at my body, I feel so nasty. My body is nasty. My face is nasty. Everything of my body is nasty.

So, whichever exist have 2 sides, and don't make yourself blind with the thing called "positiveness".

Today I opened my mailbox and found a new email sent to me, from my best old friend. She calls me Foggy, and I call her Lapis Lazuli.

How are things going on, Foggy? More summer classes or more money from ur part-time job?
A poem just read, I think it's for u:

BEAUTY OF A WOMAN
The beauty of a woman
Isn't in the clothes she wears,
          the figure that she carries
or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman
Must be seen in her eyes,
Because that's the doorway to her heart,
                      the place  where love resides.
The beauty of a woman
Isn't in  a facial mole
But true beauty in a woman
      is reflected in her soul.
It's the caring that she lovingly gives,
     the dreams that she follows (I added this)
     the passion that she shows
And the beauty of a woman
with passing years - only grows!
U may think it's empty, but it may be necessary whenever its time comes. So:
+ Don't ever be afraid to try to make things better: u may surprise at the results
+ Don't ever feel threatened by the future: take life one day at a time
+ Don't ever take the weight of the whole world on ur shoulders
+ Don't ever forget that u can achieve so many of the things u can imagine: it's not so hard as it seems
+ Don't ever be reluctant to show ur feelings: when u're happy, give into it; when u're not, live with it
+ Don't ever feel that u're alone: there's always somebody there for u to reach out to
+ Don't ever feel guilty about the past: what 's done is done.
+ Don't ever stop loving
+ Don't ever stop believing
+ Don't ever stop dreaming ur dreams and following ur ambitions
=> So, whenever u feel depressed, read this and remember by heart: I'M WITH YOU

Lapis lazuli


I miss her so much. But it's so strange that, whenever I have troubles I think of her and want her to be by my side, to cry on her shoulders. But when I meet her, I feel speechless and even want her to go away from me. Maybe I've changed so bad.

Remember when we were in Junior high, she was always ridiculed by my classmates and I was the only one who protected her. That's why I was hated too. In break-time, we hid in the WC to talk to each other, about  our dreams, futures, about my films and about her stories.

Let's meet one day when we're both successful. You're always my best friend, ever.

I'm crazily searching for Haruki Murakami ebooks (of course all I can do is googling), and the result is worse than zero. You can't find the download link, and you have to buy the ebook version. To tell the truth, I hate reading ebooks as whenever I use the computer, I'll do something else like surfing the internet, watching trivial clips and...dancing along. Reading on the computer also makes my eyes feel uncomfortable.

I'm afraid of buying? No, I am not. I know buying original books is a good thing to do, to support the writer, and holding a paperback copy in your hand reading every printed words, touching and turning every single page is the best damn feeling in life, even smelling the book. I bought the books, actually did it, and fucking amazon said sorry to me as my items would never come, then promised to pay me the money in 3-5 business days. Bitchy liar! 1 month has passed.

What can I do now? I hunger for Murakami's works, and I've completed reading all of his availble publications in Vietnam, I want more! I wish someday I could study abroad and then spend hours in the university library to read the books I love. My country is still poor and deprived, people have to concentrate on economics first, so the culture life lacks attention, richness and diversity, that's why I can't read my dream books. (Can this be called a reason?)

Trying to finish My name is Red and Anne Frank's diary XD

I love New York so much, but this entry is about the latest Shunji Iwai's film project, New York I love you.

That name rings a bell? Of course, if you have ever heard of or watched the film Paris, I love you (a.k.a Paris Je t'aime) released in 2006, you may think the 2 films have something in common. Paris Je t'aime, a wonderful film about 16 love stories happened in Paris - each one lasts for 5 minutes on the screen, was made by more than most 20 talented directors in the world. The cast was also awesome, featuring Gerard Depardieu, Juliet Binoche, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Elijah Wood, and my favorite actress Natalie Portman. In general, all the most talented people, from directors to actors, joined the hands to make this film a breakthrough.

I saw Paris Je t'aime at Hanoi Cinematheque when I was in grade nine. This film stimulated emotion, and it even made me cry for several times, even when the small story itself was not a sad one. For instance, in the story which was about a single oversized lady named Carol (played by Margo Martindale), she traveled alone in Paris, lost in translation, she wandered around old streets and thought about her life. In the last scene of her part, she sat alone in a park while there were many couples around her, suddenly she realized how poor she was, and she looked at the faraway. The camera moved closely to her eyes, showing all her despair and desire for love, at this time, I cried.

Following Paris Je t'aime's success, they decide to present New York, I love you. Coincidentally, the director of my favorite Japanese film All about Lily chou chou will also take part in this film, maybe, the story of a Japanese couple in New York, or, err, who knows? And again the cast is more amazing than the previous: Shia Labeouf, Natalie Portman (again, she must love this project so much), Christina Ricci, Hayden Christensen, Orlando Bloom, Ethan Hawke, and so on. I can't write all the names here, it will take an entry length, but just know that you'll have the chance to enjoy the best acting.

The reason I love Paris I love you, and maybe New York I love you, is the meaningful message this film wants to give you. It's not an imitation of Love actually, and I love it when all the most famous artists work together to produce an effusive and touching film, rather than a trivial blockbuster with mediocre commercial purpose like the Ocean's 11, 12 and 13.

2 films to wait for in 2009, Norwegian wood and New York I love you!

Washington and Lee University.

May I reach you?

These days I have a new habit, actually it's not new at all - simply I start to do all the things that I haven't done and have forgotten for 2 years. Everyday I stay up to 4 a.m to watch movies, and before going to bed I spend a couple of minutes reading Murakami's novels. No studying, no chores doing, you can totally call me a hedonist who is contemplating her life at its best.

I used to be a movie hunger when I was in junior high school. Teenage cinemaniac. I went to the theater alone, my favorite destination weekly was Hanoi Cinematheque. I remember me in these days so much, I was a nerd, wandering around streets and theaters like a city loner, I did not live as the way others at my age did. All my class members hated me. I found films were my best friends, they stayed by my side whenever I needed them, they never betrayed me, they brought me to another world that I didn't belong to, they helped me compensate the desire to reach my dreams.

Don't have any ideas why I've met so much troubles recently, they've come out like endless ants from the hole. My parents and my friends suck, I can't believe in anybody as when I need them the most, they seem miles away. I met my old friends accidentally in that case. Everymorning, films bring me far away from my house, my country and even the loser part in me. Movie and I, we were born for each other. When I watch a film, I don't simply "watch", I walk in the film and think, and talk, and live with the people in the film's world.

How could a life be better than that?

Lastly, I've just finished reading After dark, and now I'm reading Sputnik sweetheart. A story about a 22-year-old girl named Sumire loves a married woman who is 17 years older than her. I feel a part of me in Sumire, an overromantic to non-realistic girl, but only a part. Sumire reminds me of my best friend in the past, it sucks that they even have the same looking.

3 days left to my SAT day. My best friends call it the Stupid Arranged Test, somehow it's true.

No worry, no despair, no score aim (actually I think the best I will achieve is 1800s), I'll retake the test in October, so I consider this time is only a trial. All SAT 1 & 2 slots in October and November taken place in my city are full as a result of the rush of registering, which means I'll have to fly to the South in October to take the test. I intended to take the SAT II in November, however; I can't fly to the South 2 times, then I'll take it in December. Therefore, I have to give up my Early Decision dream. 




... 



This afternoon I went to the roof-top of my house to bring all the hung clothes inside. Suddenly I felt a tremendous peace. That was where I belonged to, at least, at that moment. All the tiny houses in the neighborhood were covered in the gray sunset, the sky was spotted with faded sunlight, the fresh air was mixed with the smell of delicious food. On the horizon, I could see a few high-rise buidings. I wondered where they were and how to get there, if only I could have a wing to fly freely in the crepuscular sky.


The best words to describe myself at this moment, are "a daydreaming caterpillar". I know what I have to do to achieve what I want, but I can't defeat the useless, coward and sluggish part in me. The caterpillar wishes that someday she could become a pupa, and then a beautiful wing broke out the cocoon: she had totally transformed into a butterfly. When is that day? I have no idea.  


The book of my life is turning to a new page, several days ahead. But the lines in the book are being written every second. The me in the last minute isn't like the me in this minute. Should I be happy with a growing body but an empty head? 







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